Nighttime Hosts Take Aim At Trump's Controversial 'Gold Card' Immigration Program

TV's leading comedians spent the broadcast criticizing President Donald Trump's newly announced immigration program, called the "Trump card," portraying it as a obvious pay-for-access scheme for the wealthy.

Colbert's Sarcastic Analysis

Kicking off his program, Stephen Colbert delivered a mock holiday jingle directed at the president. "He's making a list, reviewing it twice, then giving that list to the agents at ICE," he sang. "Donald Trump ... destroys everything he comes into contact with."

The focus was the new initiative which allows foreign individuals to acquire U.S. legal status for an investment of one million dollars, with a "premium" option for 5 million. An official portal promises approval "faster than ever."

"A brief message for you to affluent applicants: before you pony up, what about Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He explained that the card is also designed to "squeeze cash" from companies wishing to hire skilled workers, involving large costs. "That's a lot of fees, but if you sign up, you additionally get free accommodation at a property of your choice – provided that it's the a specific Marriott," he added.

"Unprecedented screening the government has before done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to ensure these people truly qualify to be in America."

"That's important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "Question one: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Commentary

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the visa program the "American Dream Express Card."

"This is a card that will permit wealthy overseas citizens to live here," he said. "For a million dollars, you get legal visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one significant crime of your selection."

"Maybe it's time to revise that poem on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your huddled masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.

Kimmel mocked the lack of detail of the form, observing it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"That's right, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "It's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Grocery Struggles

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's plunging poll ratings during economic worries. "The public gave Donald Trump a second term because they were upset about the economy," he noted.

Recently, in a attempt to discuss affordability, Trump held a briefing in front of a array of grocery items, and behaved strangely to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a long time."

"Trump is so extremely weird," Meyers responded. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by targeting conservative media defenses of Trump's economic record. "Maybe instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy like what FIFA did," he laughed.